So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
