So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
