She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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