omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
