Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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