That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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