U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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