I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
