Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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