R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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