I'm lost and stupid without you.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
