dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
