last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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