A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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