I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
