you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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