Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
