How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
