no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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