Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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