I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I think people are normalizing furries
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
