worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
