the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
