You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
