the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
