wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
