Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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