Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
