just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
