Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize