This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize