My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
