scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
