you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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