did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
