u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize