I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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