You can't motorboat a personality
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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