I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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