Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
