Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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