Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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