I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
