Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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