im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
