genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
