I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
