well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
