i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
