Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
