Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
