So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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