I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
