Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
