A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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