Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
