eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
